


silence from the peanut gallery

by nebulousviolet



Category: H.I.V.E. Series - Mark Walden
Genre: Crack, Gen, One-Shot, i just find it funny that raven is yet to go on a trip w the girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:02:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24614977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebulousviolet/pseuds/nebulousviolet
Summary: “I haven’t even read 1984,” Shelby interrupted. “I was referencing the reality show, and now H.I.V.Emind thinks that I think he’s a tool of a fascist state.”“Well-” Laura began.“I’m sorry, are we just going to brush over the part where Shelby attempted to organise a girls’ trip with Raven?”  Otto demanded.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	silence from the peanut gallery

**Author's Note:**

> okay i actually set out to write a h.i.v.e/pjo crossover, but it turned into an exposition dump; however i did manage to salvage a throwaway line about the core four having a terrible track record when it comes to keeping new characters, which evolved into this mess. in case it isn't obvious, set post-deadlock.

“What did Nero want you for?” Otto called over to Shelby, who was loping back from Nero’s office with an expression that was equal parts pained, equal parts proud. “Did he find out about your illicit nose piercing?”

Laura had pierced Shelby’s nose the month before with a sharpened safety pin and a spare earring, though Laura denied all responsibility and claimed that she’d had a civic duty to do it in order to prevent Shelby from attempting it alone. There’d been a weird scabby phase where Otto made jokes about her nostril being amputated for a week straight, but it had healed up nicely now, which of course made it the perfect time for Nero for notice. Knowing him, he’d been ignoring it on purpose just so he could pull Shelby up on it the moment it started to look less like a nasty zit, and more like a crystal stud.

“It’s not illicit if it isn’t specifically forbidden,” Shelby reminded him, the same line she’d been spouting ever since Nero made them read all two hundred and sixty-five pages of the Code of Conduct as a punishment for getting caught running a black-market essay system for the Henchman stream. Knowing what was and what wasn’t expressly deemed punishable had emboldened them all, but mostly Shelby. Always Shelby. It was the American in her. 

“You can’t use that as your excuse for everything,” Laura said, splayed out on one of the futons with a book held open in front of her. From what Otto could make out of the cover, she was venturing away from quantum physics into nuclear chemistry. How progressive. “I bet there’s, like, a secret Code of Conduct that’s double the length of the regular one and it’s just five hundred pages of it saying so in different languages.”

“Stop giving Nero ideas,” Shelby chided, and seated herself on top of Laura’s outstretched legs. Laura made a noise of resigned protest, but nothing else. 

“I’m just saying,” Laura said. “Nobody runs a villain school for sixty years without accounting for the ‘you didn’t outright ban it so I’m doing it’ excuse.”  
“I think H.I.V.E is older than sixty years,” Wing contributed.

“Silence from the peanut gallery,” Shelby said, clasping her hands in front of her as if she had a great announcement to make. But Shelby started most sentences this way, so it had lost its effect somewhat over the years. “We have a new student joining the fifth year Alpha stream.”  
“Great,” Otto said unenthusiastically.   
“I don’t understand why anyone would join in fifth year,” Wing frowned. “Why attend H.I.V.E for only a year?”

“It’s not like they have a choice,” Laura pointed out. “Nobody signs up for waking up in a helicopter with a pounding headache.”

“It gets worse,” Shelby said. She seemed remarkably cheerful about it getting worse, which seemed about right for her. “Nero wanted to delegate tour guide duties to me.”  
At this, Laura looked up properly from her book, expression pained. Wing, with his brows furrowed in surprise, was downright distraught. Even Otto had his jaw hanging open.   
“You did tell him about our track record, right?” Laura demanded, speaking first.   
“A 66% mortality rate is never good,” Otto agreed. “It doesn’t matter what it’s for, it’s never good.”

Wing, still in a state of shock, appeared unable to open his mouth.

“I did,” Shelby confirmed. “Not only that, but I asked him to send me on a girls’ trip to Thailand with Raven in the process. Also, this is irrelevant, but Brand, Malpense, I’ve decided you’re both equal parts to blame for H.I.V.Emind getting upset when I called him Big Brother the other week.”  
“Orwell is classic,” Laura said earnestly, zooming in on the least important information in that sentence. “I _had_ to upload his works to H.I.V.Emind, Shel, it was a cultural thing-”   
“I haven’t even read 1984,” Shelby interrupted. “I was referencing the reality show, and now H.I.V.Emind thinks that _I_ think he’s a tool of a fascist state.”   
“Well-” Laura began.

“I’m sorry, are we just going to brush over the part where Shelby attempted to organise a girls’ trip with Raven?” Otto demanded. “How did this happen? Why Thailand? What did Nero say?”

“Wait, is this why Raven was muttering darkly about Ghana in the corridor after dinner?” Laura frowned, coming back to her senses. “I thought she was finally having a mental break, but it must’ve just been you.”

“What does Ghana have to do with any of this?” Wing asked. “And I don’t think I approve of this baseless speculation about Raven’s mental health.”  
“She’s due for a breakdown, and you know it,” Shelby said, reaching over to give her boyfriend a comforting pat on the arm. “The last one was when Nero got captured by H.O.P.E.”   
“That was a breakdown?” Wing echoed. “I think we have very different definitions of that word.”   
“Again, we’re getting away from the fact that _Shelby asked Nero for a girls’ trip with Raven._ To _Thailand_ ,” Otto said loudly, straining to make himself heard over all of the confusion. “Can I please get an answer for this?”

“How did this topic even come up,” Laura mused. “Was Nero all like, Trinity, if you can ignore the fact that ⅔ of the past new students you’ve befriended have ended up dead, I’ll bring in the Make-A-Wish foundation? Is this your wish? It’s better than Disneyland, I suppose.”

Shelby held her index finger up, the universally-recognised demand for silence.

“First of all,” she started, “this was not my Make-A-Wish foundation wish. I think we all know that, if and when I pass away dramatically like that guy from the Fault In Our Stars-"

“I can’t believe you talked me into hacking the firewall just so you could watch that piece of overrated trash,” Laura grumbled.

“-my wish will be to have my ashes mixed into one of my jewels, displayed back in the Louvre, and then stolen back by my young protege who will be played by Chloe Grace Moretz,” Shelby finished. Otto wrinkled his nose.  
“I don’t think the Make-A-Wish foundation can do all that.”   
“You’re also younger than Chloe Grace Moretz,” Laura input. “Your protege can’t be older than you.”   
“Very true,” Wing said gravely.   
“You’ll all just have to hope I die in a really boring way, then,” Shelby huffed. “Stab me in the chest, or something.”   
“Since when is murder a boring way to die?” Otto pressed.

Shelby threw her hands up in exasperation. “Do you want an explanation on the Thailand thing or not?”  
“Fine, continue,” Otto said generously.

“As I was _saying_ , it happened because Nero made some comment about me, Wing, and Franz being the only three fifth year Alphas who haven’t missed months of school and that the new student will need our complete notes to catch up with, and I delicately pointed out that, really, it was his fault that you weren’t at school with us, Malpense,” Shelby said. Otto highly, _highly_ doubted that this was an entirely accurate retelling of events. “Then I believe I mentioned something about you not being able to plank, and Raven and Wing having a creepy student-master bond-”   
“It is not _creepy-_ ”   
“Then, uh, it ended up with me saying that if we were _all_ going on assassin teambuilding trips with Raven, I wanted to go to Thailand. And I believe that, when Raven walked into the office, I might’ve mentioned something about Laura and Ghana.”   
“You’re unhinged,” Laura said in awe.   
“I can too plank,” Otto objected. 

“Prove it to me right now, and I’ll go back to Nero’s office and recant the not-planking statement,” Shelby offered.

“I think if you go back to Nero’s office, you’re going to get expelled,” Wing said.

“This still doesn’t answer the question of why _Thailand_ ,” Otto insisted. “And I refuse to believe that Nero just watched this collapse of your sanity without saying something.”

“Because Bangkok is a great city name,” Shelby said. “Plus, pad thai. Double plus, I think my brain had fully disconnected from mouth at that point, and any form of reasoning had left the building.”  
“Since when is your brain _ever_ connected to your mouth,” Otto muttered, earning himself a cushion to the face.

“Why did you send me to Ghana?” Laura asked unhappily. “Wing got Rio, Otto got a whole world tour, you’re getting Thailand, why did I get Ghana?”  
“I won’t lie to you, Brand, when I say it’s the only other country I remembered at the time,” Shelby said seriously. 

“You’re not _actually_ going to Ghana, Laura,” Wing said, but this did nothing to improve Laura’s mood.

“Nero’s reaction,” Otto said. “I’m waiting.”  
“I’m getting to it!” Shelby yelped. “So after I dug myself into a deep, deep, Raven-related hole, which sounds disgusting now that I’m saying it out loud, so stop snickering, Malpense, he just looked at me. Then after we had an oddly intense staring contest, he said he was just going to entrust the new student to the care of Franz instead, and asked me if I wanted to start seeing the therapist he brought in after the Hunt.”   
“That makes sense,” Laura said. “Y’know, seeing as you clearly had some kind of psychotic meltdown in there.”

“Doesn’t do anything to save the poor new kid from our godawful mortality rate, though,” Otto said reflectively. He knew it was callous, to refer to Lucy and Tom as mere numbers, but the humour helped ease the bone-crushing guilt, and while Penny would probably hate them all even more if she knew they were joking about Tom’s death, it was almost cathartic. “Franz is still a part of the extended group.”  
“Stop giving me set-ups for fat jokes, you know my new year’s resolution was to be nicer,” Shelby said.   
“I can absolutely guarantee you’ve already broken it,” Otto replied, and she stuck out her tongue at him. “So that’s it. I still think you should listen out for Raven in the vents tonight, even if Nero’s apparently blaming this on some delusional episode.”

“Even worse than that,” Laura said, “what if you really do have to go on a girls’ trip to Thailand with her after all?”  
“I don’t know why you’re looking so smug, Brand,” Shelby said. “It’s a girls’ trip. You’re a girl. I’m dragging you down with me.”

Laura let out a low groan. Otto leaned over to kiss her cheek.

“Cheer up,” he said encouragingly. “At least it’s better than Ghana.”


End file.
